Okay. I confess. I’ve been kinda taking a break from church lately.
Not this church, obviously! There’s been a lot going on at UCUCC and I’ve been deeply focused on my work here as Director of Finance & Operations. But I’ve been taking a break from attending worship at my “home church.”
It’s okay (I tell myself) to go through seasons, to have times of deeper engagement and times of being less engaged. Times to reap and times to sow.
Or, no, wait, that scriptural reference doesn’t really apply here, because both sowing and reaping require you to show up and participate. Hm.
And while I have lots of high-quality excuses (prioritizing more sleep! Not wanting to wrestle my kiddo into the car seat!), the truth is a little more complicated than that.
My church (like many) is in the midst of a season of transformation. I see really remarkable things emerging within a congregation that is has rapidly changed in the past 10 years. Some of those changes are things I celebrate and am proud of. At the same time, part of the process of this transformative adaptation has meant re-prioritizing time, energy, and financial resources towards some things and away from other things… and I’m struggling with the loss I feel about the things my church has set aside.
I get it. It’s impossible to be truly open to transformation and expect that change will only impact programs I didn’t personally care for much anyway. But I’m still struggling with grief: sometimes sad, self-righteous, bitter. Sometimes adrift, without a clear sense of where I belong and how I fit into this new thing that is becoming. Sometimes stuck, unable to shake off my unfulfilled expectations and explore with curiosity the new reality I see emerging.
Mostly though, I’ve been feeling ashamed that I’m one of those people who is lamenting the way things used to be. So I’ve been staying home on Sunday mornings, dealing with the pile of dirty dishes or taking my toddler to the park instead of coming to church.
However, this past Sunday I popped in my AirPods and listened to a worship livestream while working my way through a mountain of laundry (which is, like, not the most full-present way to experience worship). And every single part of the worship service felt like it was speaking directly to my heart, telling me words I desperately needed to hear.
And I realized; I haven’t just been withholding myself from church because I’m ashamed of the complexity of my feelings. I’ve been withholding myself from God. Like Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, hiding from God because they were ashamed of their nakedness.
Which is the absolute height of silly behavior, right? Adam and Eve were naked the whole time. God knew they were naked; God made them that way! And God shows up for each of us, loving us through our messy imperfections (God made us that way!), forgiving us and tenderly inviting us to try again.
UCUCC is in a season of change too. There are a lot of unknowns, as we hold space for what might be emerging. I don’t know how that change is impacting you. But I hope you trust God is at work in this community. As I’ve thought more deeply about this issue, I have realized that God invites us all to be our full, messy, joyful, grieving, lonely, cranky, curious, yearning, beloved selves. And I feel called to head back to church more often on Sundays to worship this God who made us not perfect but human. I am called to live into my faith in this God who loves us fully, who understands our hearts, and who says, “do not be ashamed, beloved one.”
What a special essay Kyna. I feel that happens to many of us – withholding ourselves from God and sometimes from church.
Thank you for your transparency.
Love, Tricia T
Kyna, thanks for such a thoughtful and insightful reflection about hard changes–transformations we’re not always sure we want. One thought that just came to me is maybe we need, as parishioners, just like clergy needs, an interim period where we mourn the loss and look toward the new tomorrows. Change is emotional–challenging–and often hard to accept.