When Pain Is Not Plain

Have you ever had someone say something, maybe in an off-hand way, but somehow, those words stick to you like cockleburs on a poodle?

This week I dropped a new episode of my podcast The Final Say: Conversations with People Facing Death. In this episode I was talking with Juliana Fodera, a 41 year-old woman who has died twenty-one times. She was born with Noonan’s Syndrome, a genetic disorder that can manifest in many different ways. Hers were all physical and over her lifetime required multiple surgeries. Because of spinal issues and surgical complications she lives with chronic pain. Okay, that’s dramatic enough but that is not what struck me and followed me around like the aforementioned poodle.

I asked her about her greatest fear. She explained that her greatest fear was being misunderstood and that sometimes people think she comes off as “having an attitude.”

I was surprised at this.  She explained that often she’s dealing with pain and that is why she’s cranky but she doesn’t want to talk about the pain. She said, “I’m sorry that it’s coming out, but did you ever stop to ask what my pain level is today?” Those were the words that stuck with me.

Did you ever stop to ask what my pain level is today?

 Would we ever say a woman in labor has “an attitude” or call her “cranky?” Of course not—we wouldn’t dream of it! She’s in pain. It’s obvious! But what about those of us whose pain is not so obvious?

We experience all kinds of pain: emotional, mental, spiritual.  What if the next time we find ourselves with someone who we think is cranky or annoying, instead of getting all judgey about them, we stop and wonder about their pain level?  Changes everything, doesn’t it?

But I do know this: we wound out of our own wounds. That is what makes Jesus so amazing, he’s hanging on a cross saying, “Forgive them for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)  He’s being wounded but out of his wounds comes not more wounding, but forgiveness and understanding. That is the mind-blowing stuff we are called to as Christians.

Of course I’m not going to stand by and watch someone hurt another person all the while wondering about the perpetrator’s pain level.   Even Jesus got plenty mad at the money changers in the temple. I do believe in righteous anger.

I also believe that when we find ourselves being irritable or unforgiving, it’s helpful to ask, “What is my pain level today?” Because softening toward ourselves makes it easier to soften toward other people. Yes, it’s the whole, “Put on your own oxygen mask first.”

Jesus talks a lot about compassion—“to suffer with”—but before we can have compassion we first have to recognize that someone is in pain. We have to stop and ask, “What is your pain level today?” Even if it’s not apparent.

And especially if it’s a poodle.