One of our great preachers today is Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. Brown has spent the past decade studying vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame. She’s the author of “Daring Greatly” and “The Gifts of Imperfection”, but I mostly know here from her “Ted Talks”, short 10-30 minute video clips. Her TED talks, “Listening to Shame” and “The Power of Vulnerability” have millions of hits.
I listened again to “The Power of Vulnerability” last week at the airport waiting for my flight to board. Brown’s message is so simple. I wonder if someday I might be bright or courageous enough to actually take it in.
The heart of her message is this: Shame, our feelings of being “unworthy”, a “failure”, “incompetent” and “of no use” leads to disconnection from ourselves, each other and the earth.
Vulnerability, letting ourselves be “seen”, our willingness to share our authentic truth and feelings with ourselves and others, is the bridge to connection.
Through thousands of interviews, Brown has witnessed that those of us who have a strong sense of “worthiness“, of love and belonging, have one thing in common: we open ourselves to the risk of vulnerability, the very thing that those of us trapped in the prison of shame have such a hard time doing.
I was reminded recently of the impact of risking our vulnerability in a five week men’s group I convened for men living in times of change and transition. If you had wandered into our group, you would have seen what looked like a very competent group of men. And indeed we were in many ways.
But our real strength and greatest “competence” came in our ability to risk sharing our truth. In the midst of times of great change and transformation, when we don’t know how it is all going to turn out, to risk being real. To let go of who we thought we “should be” or “wanted to be” and embrace who we are.
I like Brown’s message because it sounds to me like the heart of Christian faith. Just a few weeks ago in church, and again this past Sunday, we remembered the story of Jesus’ baptism and God’s words to him, “You are my beloved child with whom I am well pleased.” (Matthew 3:17) As followers of Jesus, there’s our call: to believe that word of our “belovedness” is true for everyone, beginning with ourselves.
I appreciate that Brown talks about going to church with her family. I’m glad that there are churches out there living this core Gospel message of love and acceptance as the way into fuller and deeper life.
Like Brown, (and probably why I like listening to her so much), I hate being vulnerable. Like her, I have my thousand and one reasons to choose anything but this. I carry my own stories of risking vulnerability and getting hurt. My own patterns of protecting myself. I too struggle with letting myself be seen, even to “see” myself, especially when what I know is my fear, anxiety, or uncertainty. When vulnerability pushes, I too have learned, all too well, to push back.
Like Brown, I have taken refuge time and again in clinging to control. Found my favorite ways to numb myself to my feelings. But as Brown reminds me, we can’t selectively numb our feelings. When we numb, we numb everything – our sorrow and our joy.
But like Brown as well, I also have experiences that have shown me that every step forward I have taken into deepening into my life and truth has been because I have risked stepping into my vulnerability. I am blessed that I have found safe people and places with whom to risk and share myself. I’ve learned that when I practice risking my vulnerability in one place, with a friend, a therapist, a pastor, I am able over time to practice doing that in more places.
And it’s true that I have learned with Brown that vulnerability is the birthplace of creativity, belonging and joy. The birthplace of what really counts and how I want to live. Sidestepping my vulnerability just sidesteps these qualities I want to bloom in the heart of my life.
There is so much to feel vulnerable about in our world today. From the reality of a rapidly changing and warming planet, to the intimacy of our changing selves. From a rapidly changing church and understanding of God, to changing communities and understandings of our place in the world.
No wonder so much in us and in our culture rushes to certainty.
Yes, I would like to remember all this. And I know that I am a work in process when it comes to this stepping into vulnerability.
Yes, I would like to imagine that the next time I am feeling especially vulnerable that I would remember that this feeling is actually a gift. That my fear and anxiety means that I am alive. That I experience something called “life” that I don’t want to lose.
And yes, I want to continue to step forth. To dare to believe, despite all my doubt, that the way to more life, is the way through risking it all. To die in fact, again and again, to my shame, those perfect pictures of who I thought I ought to be, and become more fully the beautiful, broken, and vulnerable one God is calling into being to bloom in my life.
This was just what I needed to read this morning…thank you, Peter.
Thanks Vicki – and grateful amidst all the words in our days that we read, hear that there are some that are just what we need. For that all we can say is thanks,
Peter
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